StacyCat’s World of Thought

This was the title of one of my KinkForAll presentations. I taped it, and may put it up shortly.

I do have some extra information, and some errata.

A question was asked about how long Hepatitis lives on surfaces. From
a few different sources, it seems as up to 4 days. One study (animal testing) found
that dried samples were still infectious at 16 hours, and possibly up
to 4 days, but not longer than that.

I have a few sources about infection rates of different STIs, and I will
get them into a blog post soon

I do want to correct a statistic. According to am HIV per act risk paper, the per act risk of HIV
transmission by an anally receptive partner with an HIV infected Top
is five in 1000, not 1 in 1000. I apologize. In any case, the article is a fascinating (at least to me, being a statistics geek) study in how to quantify risk acts, and our choices of partners and activities.

Kinkforall is coming up again! #KFANYC2

I will be there, though may have to leave early. And, I have no idea what to present on.

Though, I love the concept. A while ago, I attended a panel discussion on the difference between BDSM and Leather. It seemed very elitist to me, and I didnt like it. One of the comments was “BDSM lets anybody teach.”

Damn right! The whole concept behind KinkForAll is that 1) all of us have valuable information to share and present, and 2) the 20 minute time frame forces us to condense our information into a small time frame, so of course it is not going to teach anything. Which is the point of why BDSM does so much education. Really, its not necessarily to be the end all be all of what you need to know. Rather, it is a spark, of seeing our interests and then finding out where we need to go to learn more. You will not learn suspension in one non participatory class, but you will learn basic safety, and where to go for more information.

(end rant)

I had a dream last night that I was attempting to give my STI class with Wendy Blackheart, and it did not work, because I was waiting for her to talk about anal, and she was pressuring me to talk about STIs, and then the participants started heckling both of us!

I think I want to do a Body Image and acceptance class. Like a size acceptance 101 in the BDSM scene.

I might give the STI class just talking about how people think about STIs and their perceptions of how it impacts their lives and their sexual choices.

I might give a discussion to talk about the future of sex professionals, like sex therapists, counselors, Kink aware professionals, etc. It would be a fun discussion, but I am unsure how to word it so that it is not about sex work. Which is awesome that there is the environment that sex workers are appreciated and respected But it is not quite the target audience.

I have been prompted to do an academic sex presentation, like how to do academic research with sexually oriented subjects. I do feel inadequate in this area, but it might dovetail with the above.

Any other suggestions?

Ive been pondering many things lately. (Along with a move!)

I remember a while ago when a Livejournal Community attacked a sex blogger over her use of “biocock.” Their reasoning tended to be along the lines of “it is still my cock, even if it is not my flesh and blood.”

And I agree. But I do not think the “general public” does.

I took a Women’s Studies class. We watched a film about a FTM. In the film, he discussed how to disclose his status to his dating partners, and at what point in the relationship to talk about it. After the film, during the discussion, one of my classmates said that if she were dating a guy that was a FTM, who didnt tell her, that the guy would be lying.

I asked her if she would feel the same outrage over a dating partner who previously had a penis, but whose penis was removed during an accident. She did not feel the same outrage about that. Which seems to mean, for her (and, most likely many other people), it is all about the current or former presence of a cock.

It is about the penis. Apparently, to many people, it is the presence of a flesh and blood penis makes a “man.” And, this distinction is typically from one’s childhood, as MTFs are commonly referred to as “she used to have a dick!” The body of a female is not necessarily defined as having a vagina, but rather the absence of a penis. (In discussions about intersexuality, it previously was the size of the penis/clitoris at birth that determines the sex of the child.)

In addition, many people, when faced with a transgender person, want to know the status of their genitals. As if their vagina or penis is the final verdict of their sex, and that we can deal with a masculine looking woman as a woman, rather than as a man (because, after all, it is their lack of a cock that makes them not a man). Because, again, it is reduced to their genitals, rather than their gender.

How to we change gender perceptions from genitals to gender? Sociology classes, and many other social sciences make a firm distinction between biological sex (which is murky enough), and social and individual gender. But, how do we expand this concept into the mainstream? How do we get across the idea assuming the status of another genitals, or that people are entitled to know the state of anothers genitals? As many of my transgender friends have said to idiots asking about it, “Do you go up to a random person on the street and ask about their pussy or dick?”

So, how can we change this?

I attended a lovely tea party this weekend, hosted by Viviane. I finally got to meet the infamous Jefferson, who was famous before I met him.

I had a discussion on sex blogs, and the purpose of them, and having a dedicated sex blog vs a more general life one. Which made me think of the purpose of my blog.

The purpose of my blog is to make you think.

I dont write about all of my sexual escapades. (There would be far too many to write, and I am very happy about that.) But, as sex focused as I am, my life is not all about sex.

However, I do think that one needs to integrate their sexuality into their daily lives. Sex positive thinking permeates all aspects of our lives, because it affects all parts of our lives. If we can be confident in our sexual lives, if we can communicate to partners our likes and dislikes, if we can not be ashamed of our sexual feelings, these factors all translate into better functioning in one’s life. And this is the purpose for the blog. To change the world through sex positive thinking.

So, posts on Racism, cisgender privilege, the funny things in my blackberry (such as, the spell check recognizes “orgies” but not “orgasm,” and what that says about our culture), all of these relate to a better and more positive world view.

And I promise to write more sex stuff

I love statistics.

I loved quantitative methods. My thesis used advanced multi-variable STATA statistics, and I loved it. Figuring out that I can put all these numbers together to get real meaning out of it, ah, that was lovely.

I also make a few decisions in my life based on statistics, and I think it is where I differ from some other people.

One cannot keep themselves completely safe from everything that can kill or harm them. Everyone makes their own choices of what we do to keep ourselves safe.

Some of us choose to take safer sex measures and do not require months of testing from our partners. Some may require some tests but not others, others insist on testing but dont actually know what they are testing for, and some just say “fuck it” and dont take any precautions.

Statistically, some of these choices, on average, may protect the individuals from contracting an STI. Statistically, even if you are doing everything possible, you can get an STI. The real question lies in where on the spectrum you are.

Some take the viewpoint that any STI is going to be a life changing horrifying experience, and thus they do not partake in any sexual play with anyone else. Some say that condoms protect against most, and they are okay with it. Some people care about herpes, some about HPV, some about HIV/AIDS, and these affect the sexual choices that we make.

SarahSloane Wrote a great piece about kink and real life.

I would like to highlight number 2.

2. Negotiation – if you can’t go back to a cash register to have an overcharged item corrected & get the refund, you shouldn’t be negotiating play or sex, either.

Besides the “should” language, the comparison is a good one. I would argue that the ability to negotiate play and sex will lead to more assertiveness in daily life, but perhaps it is the opposite, or a reciprocal effect.

Speaking up for yourself tends to be a virtue that not many people are told. Its not an inconvenience to get what is rightfully yours, it is not a bother to ask for the sex and safer sex that you want.

My main premise behind my campaign for stigma reduction is that stigma affects how individuals act. Typically, a reduction in stigma will result in an increase in positive and healthy behaviors.

I was reading a blog about passive barriers. The author used the idea that women dont carry condoms as a point.

Our safer sex education, while sorely lacking, seems to have done a pretty good job equating condoms with safer sex. However, the society at large also has equated condoms with sex itself, which is still stigmatized and shamed.

http://www.latrobe.edu.au/ssay/assets/downloads/meaning%20safe%20sex.pdf

The Australian teenagers in this study showed that girls had harder times buying condoms and carrying them, because of the social stigma against girls and sex. Boys were more likely to purchase and carry condoms, because they could easily play it off as experimentation, or that they are allowed to have sex without social ruin.

Both genders expressed issues with condom discussions, because it typically meant that intercourse was desired. (I once answered a question about “How did I know my partner consented” with “when he puts on a condom.”) The condom is the last barrier to sex negotiations, and typically is not discussed because it means *gasp* that the people want to have sex.

Interestingly enough, over the entire sample (which 60% did not have intercourse), most believed that the girl was the one to supply the condom.

One of the ways that we can slow the growth of STIs, and reduce unwanted pregnancies, is by sex positive education. If teenagers (especially girls, but everyone needs to know) are able to communicate with their partners without stigma and shame, they can make more empowered decisions about their health.

Girls should say no to sex. Why is this a common theme in sex education, and at the world at large?

Two studies came across my feed reader today, both about the same study. A researcher interviewed 68 girls aged between 14 and 19. Shocker of shocks, the girls said they regretted their first time! The researcher criticized sex educators for not telling girls to say no.

The article at Salon.com takes the viewpoint that girls are pressured into saying yes to sex, to keep their male partners, or because they are coerced, etc. The article says that it can be difficult to see the difference in actual regret vs the societal norms against girls having sex. It ends with a great statement: “Would a girl feel quite as disappointed by her early sexual experience if it was seen as a triumph instead of a moral failure?”

Australian Broadcasting Company also takes an interesting perspective. It says that the teens in the study knew all the risks of sex and how to use safer sex and pregnancy prevention. However, the study author (Dr Rachel Skinner from Sydney University), critisizes sex education for not teaching teenagers the actual skills one would need to say no (or to say yes). Teenagers should be educated on negotiation and communication skills.

Still, the patriarchy comes accross in a quote from the author. She states, “but it’s obvious that many of the teenagers, girls, were not able to make their own decision…They weren’t actively making… following what they wanted to do. They were being influenced from outside, and they regretted their decisions afterwards. ”

I think this is the overlooked part, and the first article hinted at it. Girls are taught to “just say no,” they are filled with scare tactics about having sex too early, they are taught that sex is scary and can kill you or ruin your life. however, girls are never really taught when it is okay to say “yes.” If we can empower girls to think about how and when and what scenario they could say “yes,’ then their ability to say no to the wrong situation (for them) would be greatly increased.

There is an interesting idea that goes along teaching about safer sex.

On one hand, we have the scare tactics. Always use condoms. condoms are the only way to prevent pregnancy, and they prevent STIs, because your partner could be cheating on you and giving you HIV so you should not ever trust them.

On the other is comprehensive education, (which even comprehensive sex education programs miss a good part of the education.) condoms are effective X percent of the time for pregnancy, and some unknown effective rate for STIs. You should get tested because you take responsibility for your own health.

Salon posted a great article based on a new editorial in Contraception. The editorial posits that the withdrawal method has a similar effectiveness rate against Pregnancy as condoms do.

This will almost assuredly not be taught in comprehensive sex education classes. The Harm Reduction model typically only steps in once the harmful behaviors have begun. Just as the idea that condoms are Very highly effective against HIV transmission will not lead to the idea that it is okay to have sex with HIV positive people. Sex education, even among a lot of sex positive individuals, views these ideas in the harm reduction model, in the “You really should not do it, but here is how to do it more safely.”

Becky Knight at Living Sexuality posted a review of the AASECT presentation on how sex education is presented to teenagers. She states: “Even sex-positive sources often refer to sex with words like: “risk,” “threat,” “consequences,” “protect from,” “avoid,” “arm with information,” etc.”

Sex is presented to teenagers as inherently dangerous. That they must protect themselves against sex itself. Sex is risky, you can die, you can get pregnant, you can hurt yourself.

I would be interested to see a Relationships model of sex education. Sex is not just about penis in vagina intercourse, nor is it just about what you do with your genitals/mouths/hands etc. Sex is about the relationship that you have with the other person. Safer sex should be about joint decisions in which each person decides what is best for them, and then negotiates with their partner. Safer sex decisions should be about what is best for themselves, their partner, and the relationship.

If a couple decides that pregnancy would be the worst thing in the world, they can make their safer sex decisions based on that. If the couple thinks that STIs are the most damaging, they can make decisions based on that. If the relationship decides that being able to be open about their desires and sexual relationships with other people is important, they can discuss that.

The point is not just to simply educate accurately the statistics and the prevention strategies of the pregnancy and STI prevention topics. The point should be about the education and the discussions and negotiations and the relationships.

My whole reason for thinking that sex positivity will change the world is in this point: If we can communicate our sexual desires and negotiate with our sexual partners, our non sexual relationships and negotiations will be much easier.

I am fat. I also am into BDSM.

Recently, there have been a couple of posts that I have read about this intersection.

First, Mollena writes the FatGirl Pervert Rants. See, at most BDSM educational events, there are demonstrations of techniques. And there is a call for demo bottoms. Of which, the majority tend to be smaller and younger women. The “scene” itself tends to be mostly older and average to larger individuals. Yet, we buy into the societal myth that younger and smaller is better, so we only see BDSM demonstrated on smaller individuals.

I happen to like fat BDSM. Our skin compresses differently in rope and bondage. Our fat jiggles in cool ways during impact play. We have lots of points that can be poked and pinched and bitten. And, of course, we have lots of skin and sensitive areas for those soft and fluffy scenes.

“But,” you might ask. “Arent there scenes that fat people cant do? Like, being suspended with rope?” Nope. This is a post that debunks the myths that fat people cannot be suspended. Granted, as a fat person who is into suspension, I want to know that the suspension rig will support my weight. Besides that, there is no reason why my fat ass cant be suspended (And, I have been, Twice, by the lovely Lolita

Ammre writes about how fat women are portrayed within the BDSM scene. And now it is us that can spread the message that, yes, fat women are in the scene, and yes, we have awesome bondage and impact and rope and other sadistic scenes. And we even have awesome sex!

I am sad that we live in a world that does not believe this.

Yes, I have fallen victim to this. I had a hard time accepting my changing body, and the sagging skin that came along with it. Watching a porn that Gabe and Elizabeth from Pornocracy made really helped. Elizabeth had recently gone through the same sort of body transformation as I had. And, watching her on the screen, and seeing how beautiful she was while having sex, made me realize how seeing non model type bodies makes things more real and beautiful for me.

I have been in discussions with a few people about a book project with models of all types, especially those that have been ignored by “mainstream.” How many people would be interested in a project like this? Either buying the finished product or modeling for it?