I was reading a blog about passive barriers. The author used the idea that women dont carry condoms as a point.

Our safer sex education, while sorely lacking, seems to have done a pretty good job equating condoms with safer sex. However, the society at large also has equated condoms with sex itself, which is still stigmatized and shamed.

http://www.latrobe.edu.au/ssay/assets/downloads/meaning%20safe%20sex.pdf

The Australian teenagers in this study showed that girls had harder times buying condoms and carrying them, because of the social stigma against girls and sex. Boys were more likely to purchase and carry condoms, because they could easily play it off as experimentation, or that they are allowed to have sex without social ruin.

Both genders expressed issues with condom discussions, because it typically meant that intercourse was desired. (I once answered a question about “How did I know my partner consented” with “when he puts on a condom.”) The condom is the last barrier to sex negotiations, and typically is not discussed because it means *gasp* that the people want to have sex.

Interestingly enough, over the entire sample (which 60% did not have intercourse), most believed that the girl was the one to supply the condom.

One of the ways that we can slow the growth of STIs, and reduce unwanted pregnancies, is by sex positive education. If teenagers (especially girls, but everyone needs to know) are able to communicate with their partners without stigma and shame, they can make more empowered decisions about their health.

Two studies came across my feed reader today, both about the same study. A researcher interviewed 68 girls aged between 14 and 19. Shocker of shocks, the girls said they regretted their first time! The researcher criticized sex educators for not telling girls to say no.

The article at Salon.com takes the viewpoint that girls are pressured into saying yes to sex, to keep their male partners, or because they are coerced, etc. The article says that it can be difficult to see the difference in actual regret vs the societal norms against girls having sex. It ends with a great statement: “Would a girl feel quite as disappointed by her early sexual experience if it was seen as a triumph instead of a moral failure?”

Australian Broadcasting Company also takes an interesting perspective. It says that the teens in the study knew all the risks of sex and how to use safer sex and pregnancy prevention. However, the study author (Dr Rachel Skinner from Sydney University), critisizes sex education for not teaching teenagers the actual skills one would need to say no (or to say yes). Teenagers should be educated on negotiation and communication skills.

Still, the patriarchy comes accross in a quote from the author. She states, “but it’s obvious that many of the teenagers, girls, were not able to make their own decision…They weren’t actively making… following what they wanted to do. They were being influenced from outside, and they regretted their decisions afterwards. ”

I think this is the overlooked part, and the first article hinted at it. Girls are taught to “just say no,” they are filled with scare tactics about having sex too early, they are taught that sex is scary and can kill you or ruin your life. however, girls are never really taught when it is okay to say “yes.” If we can empower girls to think about how and when and what scenario they could say “yes,’ then their ability to say no to the wrong situation (for them) would be greatly increased.

On one hand, we have the scare tactics. Always use condoms. condoms are the only way to prevent pregnancy, and they prevent STIs, because your partner could be cheating on you and giving you HIV so you should not ever trust them.

On the other is comprehensive education, (which even comprehensive sex education programs miss a good part of the education.) condoms are effective X percent of the time for pregnancy, and some unknown effective rate for STIs. You should get tested because you take responsibility for your own health.

Salon posted a great article based on a new editorial in Contraception. The editorial posits that the withdrawal method has a similar effectiveness rate against Pregnancy as condoms do.

This will almost assuredly not be taught in comprehensive sex education classes. The Harm Reduction model typically only steps in once the harmful behaviors have begun. Just as the idea that condoms are Very highly effective against HIV transmission will not lead to the idea that it is okay to have sex with HIV positive people. Sex education, even among a lot of sex positive individuals, views these ideas in the harm reduction model, in the “You really should not do it, but here is how to do it more safely.”

Becky Knight at Living Sexuality posted a review of the AASECT presentation on how sex education is presented to teenagers. She states: “Even sex-positive sources often refer to sex with words like: “risk,” “threat,” “consequences,” “protect from,” “avoid,” “arm with information,” etc.”

Sex is presented to teenagers as inherently dangerous. That they must protect themselves against sex itself. Sex is risky, you can die, you can get pregnant, you can hurt yourself.

I would be interested to see a Relationships model of sex education. Sex is not just about penis in vagina intercourse, nor is it just about what you do with your genitals/mouths/hands etc. Sex is about the relationship that you have with the other person. Safer sex should be about joint decisions in which each person decides what is best for them, and then negotiates with their partner. Safer sex decisions should be about what is best for themselves, their partner, and the relationship.

If a couple decides that pregnancy would be the worst thing in the world, they can make their safer sex decisions based on that. If the couple thinks that STIs are the most damaging, they can make decisions based on that. If the relationship decides that being able to be open about their desires and sexual relationships with other people is important, they can discuss that.

The point is not just to simply educate accurately the statistics and the prevention strategies of the pregnancy and STI prevention topics. The point should be about the education and the discussions and negotiations and the relationships.

My whole reason for thinking that sex positivity will change the world is in this point: If we can communicate our sexual desires and negotiate with our sexual partners, our non sexual relationships and negotiations will be much easier.

A Post on HeartFullofBlack really put into words what sex positivity can do for people.
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“I’ve learned that its OK to want things, or to want things to be a certain way, and that there is nothing wrong with asking for that.

I’ve also learned that its ok to communicate my wants and needs that was as well, along with accepting that its ok for me to HAVE wants and needs, and that my feelings, thoughts and what not are valid. (I’ve got a fairly fucked up dating history. I know I should have figured all this out well before now, but I’m on a learning curve)

I’ve also learned that its also perfectly valid for others to have these same things, that I need to respect them, and that’s all good.

And that weird awkward conversations aren’t always weird, awkward, or nearly as bad as they are in my mind.”
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Sex positive is not about what we do or who we are. One can be sex positive and only have one partner their entire lives, others of us come to sex positivity after sleeping with many people.

Sex positivity allows us to communicate with our partners, and our partners to communicate with us. One of my lovers mentioned that he could feel free with me, because I had slept with so many other men that he felt that I had either seen almost everything, or would at least be open to anything that would happen

So, only sleep with sex positive people Or, at least, people working on becoming more sex positive, as its not an end goal that we much achieve before getting the ring of sluttiness.

(Since I have mostly dated men, this is mostly about how I date men. My relationships with women are different

First. I have a very high sex drive. However, I also am slightly picky about who I choose to have sex with, and I am picky about some circumstances.

Secondly. I have done an awful lot of emotional work on accepting my sexuality. I accept my sex drive, and I choose partners that are understanding of that fact. I like being a slut, I like enjoying my sexuality, and I use condoms when I do partake in fun If anyone has a problem with this, they need to not be dating me.

Third. I would enjoy sex 2-3 times per day. Every day (as long as I was getting enough sleep.) However, I do need to know that my partner is enjoying it that much. And, “sex” does not mean “penis inside me” (thought that is a lot of fun). I really think this is just “affirming that I am sexually wanted,” and this could be a great many things. When I am in a long term relationship with lots of togetherness, we can discuss more about what this means to me.

Fourth. I kinda dislike being rejected. I have worked hard to make my partners understand that its okay to turn me down, and that I know that mostly everyone I date will not be able to keep up with me. This is also why I am polyamorous But, a side effect is that I will hardly ever tell my partner(s) no. I have some specific scenarios that are not okay, and I might turn down certain kinds of sex, but in almost all cases my partner can ask for something (sexually) and I will say yes. (Side note: One of my current partners has fun with this. Thinks of scenarios in which I may not want to have sex, just to hear me say yes to them. Fun times

Which, given these points, its weird that I just turned down sex for one of the first times in my life. Like, actual “sex is about to happen” kinda sex. Why? It felt too much like sex before, like sex that was not going to be good. In talking about it afterward, neither of us was really turned on.

One of my lovers says its my picky side coming out, and that its a very mature thing to do. I’ll get through it

(Any time I say “my therapist says” it is a paraphrase of how I heard it.)

My therapist says that I should focus on getting the type of primary relationship that I want, and not put energy into other, less fulfilling relationships. Shes also suggest that I find a regular fuck buddy to get my sexual needs met. So confused

So, I am attempting to write out a list of the types of guys that i want to date, in terms of relationship styles. I already have a list of the types of guys, based on physical and personality traits Here

Fuck buddy. This is someone that I would otherwise be uncompatable dating (aka, have nothing in common, larger age difference, etc) but loves fucking me. They still must love cuddling. One of my best fuck buddy relationships, I didnt like the guy all that much, he was at the upper limit of my age range, we only really spoke late at night (we met online, met in a bar, then mostly chatted online) before he would come over to my place. Typically, we would fuck, cuddle for a while, fuck again, then he would leave and I would go to sleep.

Friends with benefits. This is someone that I can go out and have a good time with, and then come home and fuck. Sexual appetite and drive is still the highest selection feature on this, I dislike being sexually rejected, so most of the times that we would go out, I would want sex to be involved. “Going out” can be restaurants (usually), parties, poly dinners, the like.

Play partners. These fall between the two above. Either they dont live close enough to have a steady relationship, or its a speciality BDSM type relationship, or its a more opportunistic play session rather than a planned one. People that I see at parties and play with then, or people that I see rarely due to distance, fall into this category.

Secondary relationships. These are emotional relationships with someone that is already in an established couple. I expect dates, I expect good sex, and I expect to be treated as a partner to the person I am dating. If their other partner does not like me, then we really cant fall into this category (but we could fall into one of the upper categories.)

Primary relationship. These is a more emotionally involved relationship with someone that does not already have a primary partner. Yes, I know that there can be more than two people in a primary type relationship, but thats not really something that I am looking for at the moment. I want to be the primary person that my partner is emotionally involved and interested in. Yes, this is selfish, but they (and I) can have the above relationships.

What does a primary involve? Really, more emotional commitment and expectations. The desire to want to be with me, to be involved in my life, to want to share things with me, etc.

(Imported from my LJ, and edited.  Originally posted May 26, 2005.)

I kinda hate this question. “What is my type of guy?” I dont have a type. I can like big geeks and big football players, I can like pensive (legal) boys and strong older men. There is no one that I can describe and say “yes, im attracted to them,” or “no, I wouldnt date them at all.”

So, this is my little mini essay on the guys that I like. There will probably be always exceptions to the rule, but most of the guys that I have dated and gotten along with have had the majority of these qualities.

Open Mind. If someone is so stuck in their ways they never want to try and do or learn something new, we will not get along. If, out of the blue, I say “hey, lets go skydiving, (eat thai food, watch a new tv show, try a new position)” etc, a proper response is either “yes” or “im not sure, lets disuss it.” Abilitiy to learn new things, to think about new and weird scientific stuff, to be able to converse about unknown items, etc. This is also open minded about beliefs. Not that I wouldnt date someone with strong religious convictions, but as long as they dont give me grief about my religion, and can think their own thoughts, we should be fine.

High Sexual Appetite. I am a very sexually driven person. I like and enjoy sex. And, while I know that sex is not the only reason for a relationship, I will probably be driven out of my mind by someone that only wants sex once a month. I am the type of person that, unless im sick or exhausted, will probably never say no to my partner. And while it might be unreasonable to think that my partner would do the same for me, Id rather have a partner that will say yes 90% of the time, and when they say no, explain why they dont want sex, and schedule a make up time.

Attractiveness. Now, while there is not a type of guy that I am attracted to, I have several different archetypes that I will usually be drawn to. guys with long well kept hair. Guys with well kept goatees (i dont really like mustaches and/or van dyke styles, or long bushy beards. Well kept beards, it really depends.) Shy Geeky guys. Smart looking guys (nerdy guys, guys in glasses, guys that look smart) Black guys (mmm, black guys with glasses (Note, this list is neither inclusive or exhaustive.) But, there has to be some level of attraction there, or else there is no sexual spark. I can be great friends with someone, but if I dont want to fuck them, then we cant have a sexual relationship. There have been times that people that I previously found not fuckable have been changed into a fuckable category, but very few. (And, if I have seen a picture of you, and are still chatting, you probably still have a chance. Ask if you want to know

Compatable relationship ethics. I was discussing with a friend that I could not be friends with someone that does not share my same relationship ethics. Aka, if you are married and fucking around without telling your wife, we will probably never be friends. I do not particularly care if you have cheated in the past, because there is no need to lie to me. I am poly, I am open.

Comfortable with Safe Sex Practices. Aka, you dont have to love using condoms, but you expect it, can keep it hard using one, and know how special going without one is. Anyone that dislikes condoms to the point of not wanting to use one, sorry, I am not your girl.  I know I live a high risk lifestyle, and I want to feel confident that my partner will use condoms with their other partners.  Asking me to go without one, without a primary level relationship, indicates that they may ask their other partners to go without one, which is kinda icky to me.

Age. Age is semi flexible with me, I have dated from 19 to 42. The younger limit is bound by legality (aka, 18, because I have lots of porn) and the upper limit is more by attractiveness than actual age. If you are 45 and look (honestly) 32, maybe. If you are 32 and look 50, no I am not attracted to far older people, no matter what you think you could do for me.

Cuddle slut. Doesnt have to be a slut about it, but I do enjoy cuddling, and I want to know that my partner enjoys holding and touching me. Im a very touchy feely huggy person, and I expect my partner to be the same towards me.

*Bonus: Non smoker. Or dipper. Im okay with the occasional pot use, but no heavier drugs. I dont usually mind dating smokers, unless they reek of smoke, and taste of it. But, with a toothbrush, its usually taken care of. Again, once we meet in person, ask, and i’ll let you know