StacyCat’s World of Thought

Yes, I used to do porn. Online pornography. Hardcore, fetish, cute little pictures, etc. This domain, in fact, used to be my porn website.

I stopped, because it was not fun anymore. Rather, I stopped because my partner at the time was not supportive of it, and I had no time to do pictures, and no photographer to do them.

Still, I kinda miss it. There is no good porn out there with fat girls doing BDSM. (I am told that there is one in the works, which will be AWESOME!)

I also think that pornography can be a good thing, provided that one is willing to view a variety of images. If the only thing that you look at are small blond girls who like fucking strangers, then you will become accustomed to that type of pornography, and it might have detrimental effects if you are dating, say, a beautiful fat girl with big tits. (Then again, it may not, it might provide variety. But, like with my advice for masturbation and sex: if you only do it one way, it becomes much harder to do it other ways.)

So, take a look at porn. Look at lots of porn. Enjoy a wide variety of porn. Your sex life will thank you.

My main premise behind my campaign for stigma reduction is that stigma affects how individuals act. Typically, a reduction in stigma will result in an increase in positive and healthy behaviors.

I was reading a blog about passive barriers. The author used the idea that women dont carry condoms as a point.

Our safer sex education, while sorely lacking, seems to have done a pretty good job equating condoms with safer sex. However, the society at large also has equated condoms with sex itself, which is still stigmatized and shamed.

http://www.latrobe.edu.au/ssay/assets/downloads/meaning%20safe%20sex.pdf

The Australian teenagers in this study showed that girls had harder times buying condoms and carrying them, because of the social stigma against girls and sex. Boys were more likely to purchase and carry condoms, because they could easily play it off as experimentation, or that they are allowed to have sex without social ruin.

Both genders expressed issues with condom discussions, because it typically meant that intercourse was desired. (I once answered a question about “How did I know my partner consented” with “when he puts on a condom.”) The condom is the last barrier to sex negotiations, and typically is not discussed because it means *gasp* that the people want to have sex.

Interestingly enough, over the entire sample (which 60% did not have intercourse), most believed that the girl was the one to supply the condom.

One of the ways that we can slow the growth of STIs, and reduce unwanted pregnancies, is by sex positive education. If teenagers (especially girls, but everyone needs to know) are able to communicate with their partners without stigma and shame, they can make more empowered decisions about their health.

Girls should say no to sex. Why is this a common theme in sex education, and at the world at large?

Two studies came across my feed reader today, both about the same study. A researcher interviewed 68 girls aged between 14 and 19. Shocker of shocks, the girls said they regretted their first time! The researcher criticized sex educators for not telling girls to say no.

The article at Salon.com takes the viewpoint that girls are pressured into saying yes to sex, to keep their male partners, or because they are coerced, etc. The article says that it can be difficult to see the difference in actual regret vs the societal norms against girls having sex. It ends with a great statement: “Would a girl feel quite as disappointed by her early sexual experience if it was seen as a triumph instead of a moral failure?”

Australian Broadcasting Company also takes an interesting perspective. It says that the teens in the study knew all the risks of sex and how to use safer sex and pregnancy prevention. However, the study author (Dr Rachel Skinner from Sydney University), critisizes sex education for not teaching teenagers the actual skills one would need to say no (or to say yes). Teenagers should be educated on negotiation and communication skills.

Still, the patriarchy comes accross in a quote from the author. She states, “but it’s obvious that many of the teenagers, girls, were not able to make their own decision…They weren’t actively making… following what they wanted to do. They were being influenced from outside, and they regretted their decisions afterwards. ”

I think this is the overlooked part, and the first article hinted at it. Girls are taught to “just say no,” they are filled with scare tactics about having sex too early, they are taught that sex is scary and can kill you or ruin your life. however, girls are never really taught when it is okay to say “yes.” If we can empower girls to think about how and when and what scenario they could say “yes,’ then their ability to say no to the wrong situation (for them) would be greatly increased.

There is an interesting idea that goes along teaching about safer sex.

On one hand, we have the scare tactics. Always use condoms. condoms are the only way to prevent pregnancy, and they prevent STIs, because your partner could be cheating on you and giving you HIV so you should not ever trust them.

On the other is comprehensive education, (which even comprehensive sex education programs miss a good part of the education.) condoms are effective X percent of the time for pregnancy, and some unknown effective rate for STIs. You should get tested because you take responsibility for your own health.

Salon posted a great article based on a new editorial in Contraception. The editorial posits that the withdrawal method has a similar effectiveness rate against Pregnancy as condoms do.

This will almost assuredly not be taught in comprehensive sex education classes. The Harm Reduction model typically only steps in once the harmful behaviors have begun. Just as the idea that condoms are Very highly effective against HIV transmission will not lead to the idea that it is okay to have sex with HIV positive people. Sex education, even among a lot of sex positive individuals, views these ideas in the harm reduction model, in the “You really should not do it, but here is how to do it more safely.”

Becky Knight at Living Sexuality posted a review of the AASECT presentation on how sex education is presented to teenagers. She states: “Even sex-positive sources often refer to sex with words like: “risk,” “threat,” “consequences,” “protect from,” “avoid,” “arm with information,” etc.”

Sex is presented to teenagers as inherently dangerous. That they must protect themselves against sex itself. Sex is risky, you can die, you can get pregnant, you can hurt yourself.

I would be interested to see a Relationships model of sex education. Sex is not just about penis in vagina intercourse, nor is it just about what you do with your genitals/mouths/hands etc. Sex is about the relationship that you have with the other person. Safer sex should be about joint decisions in which each person decides what is best for them, and then negotiates with their partner. Safer sex decisions should be about what is best for themselves, their partner, and the relationship.

If a couple decides that pregnancy would be the worst thing in the world, they can make their safer sex decisions based on that. If the couple thinks that STIs are the most damaging, they can make decisions based on that. If the relationship decides that being able to be open about their desires and sexual relationships with other people is important, they can discuss that.

The point is not just to simply educate accurately the statistics and the prevention strategies of the pregnancy and STI prevention topics. The point should be about the education and the discussions and negotiations and the relationships.

My whole reason for thinking that sex positivity will change the world is in this point: If we can communicate our sexual desires and negotiate with our sexual partners, our non sexual relationships and negotiations will be much easier.

I am involved with a sadist. This scares me in many ways

But, this sadist (and when I asked a previous sadistic play partner his view, he agreed) views sadism as unrelated to his sexual arousal or desire.

Granted, I can be a particularly self centered person. I like hurting people because it gets me hot. It turns me on and gets me wet. On the masochistic side, I am either directly aroused by the pain, or many times turned on by my sadistic side enjoying my own pain.

But, the idea of sadism as a drive in itself is confusing to me. The idea of submitting to a sadists desires because it fulfills his want of giving pain, without a sexual reward, seems scary.

(Of course, the common thread in this particular relationships has been that he scares me.

In other news, I am still working on the whole deep throating thing. My next task is learning how to swallow with my mouth open. I think it is an angle thing, as I can do it with my mouth upwards (like swallowing pills), but I cant do it with my mouth in a typical blow job type position.

I look forward to practicing

My weekend was FUCKING AMAZING. I shall have to write a few stories to put here, once I can formulate how to write them.

I also figured out that this weekend was the 10 year anniversary of me having sex for the first time. Looking at the calendar, it was February 11th, 1999. I had sex with my boyfriend in his house. We had planned a romantic valentines tryst, and had it early. That Sunday, the 14th, I fucked his best friend with my boyfriend watching.

I love my sexual history, it is so cool

First, within the right relationship with the right person, there are very few things that are off limits. However, it takes a good deal of time and patience and discussion before I get to that point.

With one of my longer term partners, he and I have been discussing resistance play.

The idea of saying no, and having them continue, is really hot to me. I also have a safeword, so if I Really need them to stop, they will. Most commonly, safewords are Yellow (for slow down), and Red for stop everything.

Someone bit me at a party. (Same from last post). I went through “Ow” then “Oh fuck,” then Yellow. Why didnt I say stop? He would have if I said it. But I chose a safeword rather than plain language. Safewords are understood, whereas Stop can have some ambiguity in meaning (in BDSM and resistance play). But, I have become used to using them.

My partner likes the idea of knowing his partner has a safeword, and will use it. It allows him to be more forceful and aggressive during play. However, I had an internal issue with agreeing to that type of play, but using a common safeword for things to stop would ruin the emotion.

As with many sexual problems, the answer came to me during masturbation.

My friend was telling a story about her Master tickling her. She was in a relationship in which she gave up the use of safewords. He was tickling her, and she used the word Red. He said “Aww, how cute, you think you have a safeword” and continued to tickle her.

I think in a type of resistance play, I would use the words yellow and red along with stop and no, as I have associated these with stopping in my head. Thus, I would need to have another safeword for “absolutely stop,” and use yellow and red for the “Something is up but please dont stop.”

Something shorter than antidisestablishmentarianism

A friend commented that I seem to be sex first, BDSM second. Which, recently, I have been anti-impact play. (It will make me cry, and thats not necessarily something that I want to do with a casual partner I pick up at a party. And, a lot of my BDSM type desires are more focused on the sexual realm, simply because it is something new that I have not done much with.

I am also amused by a discussion I had last night. I pulled my shirt to the side. He said that if i did that again he would have to bite me. I did it again and he goes for it. He asked if I was serious, I said that I was, and he bit me.

Fuck, that hurt.

We were talking later, and I mentioned that I trust myself to be able to stop a scene if it went to a point that I was not comfortable with. While many bottoms or submissives reach “Subspace” in which they may have impaired judgment, I do not. Rather, I can reach a floaty place, I can have an endorphin rush, but I do not reach a place in which I think something could happen to be that I am not okay with.

I think the idea that I can stop a scene is inherent in the nature of BDSM, and more specifically within the casual type play interactions. The idea that one person or the other can stop what is happening, without repercussions or accusations or insinuations, seems to be in my head as a BDSM type of interaction.

Now, I was going to ask “Well, self, why does that not work with sexual non BDSM situations?” I am not sure. It should, of course. But, it seems to be better received within the BDSM world than in a sexual interaction, even if that sexual interaction is within a BDSM context. Perhaps my past experiences with sexual interactions have set up an expectation in my head that saying no or stopping will have negative consequences.

I am lucky that all my sexualized interactions in the past week have been of the positive variety

Besides, ya know, the obvious.

A Post on HeartFullofBlack really put into words what sex positivity can do for people.
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“I’ve learned that its OK to want things, or to want things to be a certain way, and that there is nothing wrong with asking for that.

I’ve also learned that its ok to communicate my wants and needs that was as well, along with accepting that its ok for me to HAVE wants and needs, and that my feelings, thoughts and what not are valid. (I’ve got a fairly fucked up dating history. I know I should have figured all this out well before now, but I’m on a learning curve)

I’ve also learned that its also perfectly valid for others to have these same things, that I need to respect them, and that’s all good.

And that weird awkward conversations aren’t always weird, awkward, or nearly as bad as they are in my mind.”
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Sex positive is not about what we do or who we are. One can be sex positive and only have one partner their entire lives, others of us come to sex positivity after sleeping with many people.

Sex positivity allows us to communicate with our partners, and our partners to communicate with us. One of my lovers mentioned that he could feel free with me, because I had slept with so many other men that he felt that I had either seen almost everything, or would at least be open to anything that would happen

So, only sleep with sex positive people Or, at least, people working on becoming more sex positive, as its not an end goal that we much achieve before getting the ring of sluttiness.

So, I promised someone a post about sex drives. And, then something happened.

(Since I have mostly dated men, this is mostly about how I date men. My relationships with women are different

First. I have a very high sex drive. However, I also am slightly picky about who I choose to have sex with, and I am picky about some circumstances.

Secondly. I have done an awful lot of emotional work on accepting my sexuality. I accept my sex drive, and I choose partners that are understanding of that fact. I like being a slut, I like enjoying my sexuality, and I use condoms when I do partake in fun If anyone has a problem with this, they need to not be dating me.

Third. I would enjoy sex 2-3 times per day. Every day (as long as I was getting enough sleep.) However, I do need to know that my partner is enjoying it that much. And, “sex” does not mean “penis inside me” (thought that is a lot of fun). I really think this is just “affirming that I am sexually wanted,” and this could be a great many things. When I am in a long term relationship with lots of togetherness, we can discuss more about what this means to me.

Fourth. I kinda dislike being rejected. I have worked hard to make my partners understand that its okay to turn me down, and that I know that mostly everyone I date will not be able to keep up with me. This is also why I am polyamorous But, a side effect is that I will hardly ever tell my partner(s) no. I have some specific scenarios that are not okay, and I might turn down certain kinds of sex, but in almost all cases my partner can ask for something (sexually) and I will say yes. (Side note: One of my current partners has fun with this. Thinks of scenarios in which I may not want to have sex, just to hear me say yes to them. Fun times

Which, given these points, its weird that I just turned down sex for one of the first times in my life. Like, actual “sex is about to happen” kinda sex. Why? It felt too much like sex before, like sex that was not going to be good. In talking about it afterward, neither of us was really turned on.

One of my lovers says its my picky side coming out, and that its a very mature thing to do. I’ll get through it