This was written in response to Rona’s Post about STIs. It got far too long for just a comment, so I posted it here. As always, feel free to disagree and argue with me. 
I think that everyone should set their own boundaries regarding safer sex. I also think that is important to discuss these boundaries with partners and potential partners. I think that people who think that “oral sex” is completely safe are deluding themselves and they should educate themselves.
However, I, personally, do not require barriers during oral sex for most people. Sometimes I do, and this is one of the reasons why I love queer play parties is because they are expected. But, the majority of the time, I do not use them. I use condoms for vaginal and anal intercourse, and everything else is up for negotiation. I also play at the highest rate of safer sex required by all of the people involved. I think that oral is a low enough risk that I am okay with getting an STI by not using barriers for oral.
(Which is my basic premise of safer sex, which is to know the risks, and choose what you and your partners are comfortable with.)
I also think that *everyone* is responsible for educating themselves about the risks of STIs, and to set their own levels of play that they are comfortable with (and that their partners are comfortable with.) These risks vary by person and couple and group. It is not that one is more or less “safe,” it is that the individuals involved have made a choice. Hopefully, it is an educated one.
Some are comfortable with having sex with someone with herpes (I am as well depending on circumstances), and I know several people who would think that is inherently unsafe. I know people that require tests from their new partners, but have a very extensive fluid bonded network. I know people like me who have unprotected oral sex. I even know people that think that *I* am an unsafe risk because I use condoms for intercourse, and that if I did not use condoms I would *choose better partners* and thus be at a lower risk. (BTW, the latter came out of the swinger community, which is one of the many reasons why I left that scene.)
In short, we all take sexual risks. Some of us are just comfortable with more and/or different risks.
Gah, I say, to that last bit from swinger world… gah!
As for everything else…
You made me figure out a better way of non-ranting about my beliefs which is that I don’t require everyone to conform to my safer sex preferences … I just have a huge bug up my butt about making sure people are making informed decisions about risk. My girlfriend, for example, is a lot more casual about oral sex barriers than I am, but she knows what risks she’s taking and accepts them. It’s all because I’ve been a sex educator for longer than I’ve been sexually active. I think people should base their sexual decisions on accurate information. As long as they’re doing that… they can go on with their bad selves
(i.e. have unprotected oral sex, knowing that it has certain risks – I do sometimes, myself. But don’t insist that it’s “safe” as a way of not thinking about them. Acceptable risk is a great concept. Much more useful than self delusion)
Comment by Rona — May 13, 2009 @ 4:43 am
@Rona
Exactly. Information is what we need, as only with all the information can one make fully informed consent.
Comment by stacycat — May 15, 2009 @ 5:09 am